there's no need to say you're sorry,
goodbye I'm going home...

My beautiful Prof Renda gave me an assignment yesterday to submit by tonight and when I got back home, my bed was already there with pillows and comforter. After such a long from lectures and meetings, the answer to everything is lepak ah. Hahahahaha. No worries, I'll try to submit it before Friday prayers.

Anyway, yesterday was another busy day. Meeting at 1600hrs yesterday totally dramatic. I didn't mean to splurge the anger on my manager but this time, they really go off limit. I was trhreatening my fellow foreman because of rubbing the salt in my wound. These monkeys are just so useless and stupid. They will not give a solution to a problem, but instead they will give me more problems. Indians again will be Indians.

After work I head off to Mall Of Emirates. Stop by the computer shop to get Microsoft office 2010. When almost every corner of the mall to find it. The only available stock the could gave is the Professional Edition. Professional Edition is AED 1899. Too expensive and out of budget. So, we walk further up and finally got the student addition in a much smaller computer shop. After that, head down to PAUL and ordered salmon salad. I just love salads at the moment. Specially with rockets. I was with mum only and was talking about my past relationships. I also asked about her past relationship too. The best thing, she told a story about my uncle. Can't believe that my uncle macam hero. She date anak orang lepas tu kene kejar dengan orang kampung. Maybe he date, then he broke off. Hahaha. He's really one funny guy but something I learn from him, if you wanna approach something, you dont approach directly. Start to take one step at a time. Once you get hold of it, grip it and never let go. Hahahahaha. Pandai juga pakcik aku nye strategy. That's why he's so happy now. Hopefully, one day I'll be like him. Being love by other people, everyone knows he's rich yet still so humble.

I was heading to bed little earlier last night. Statistic analysis is killing me man. Thanks to Prof Mike, I had to invest in original Microsoft Office 2010. I think it's gonna cost about AED400. I'm gonna stick for a while now before I really go deep into statistic. Let's put studies aside. Working environment now became more political. The boss, they hate me for sure. I can't wait to get out of this place but some instinct of mine told me to be patient. So, I shall wait for my graduation before I can really think of my tender. As long as those bollocks are paying me good salary, me doesn't matter.

Anyway, I promised Zam and Nas a new song. So I was arranging some tunes 2 days ago. Didn't plug it, just acoustically. Catchy tunes but I might think the lyrics might turn out abit emotional. Still being drifted away emotionally by the recent tragedy. So, lunch now with banana juice only. No apetite to eat again. I'll try to get some salads maybe later during dinner. Thanks to everybody again for their care and concern. I received lots of your motivational messages. Don't worry, I promise that I will move on to life. After the talk with her last night, I have finally got the real 'Syafiq' back. No more emotional Syafiq, no more angry Syafiq. So heads up guys, anyone into Dubai Beach Festival this weekend. Oh fuck, Chelsea drew 1-1 against Valencia. Better start to pull some strings guys!

One of some quote I saw on facebook. It was posted by a chap I knew few years ago. It's just amazing about what he had came out with.

Reasons to have a guy best friend:
1) Guys don't starts rumour for no apparent reason.
2) They won't tell anyone your secrets.
3) They don't try to steal the guy you like.
4) They aren't two faced.
5) They stick up for you no matter what.
6) They'll give you their sweatshirt when your cold.
7) They'll carry you when you get hurt.
8) And they might even fall in love with you. (fucking true!)

I was smiling and laughing on the way back from school just now. Oh my god. Guess what, I was thinking of the dream I had few months ago. It started with a fat cute kid playing with his toys while watching cartoons on the TV. His face seems so similar to mine including his eyes. So I was from I don't know where, but heading to the TV room. I started asking him,"Nak tengok TV ke nak main?" Then he replied with a no expression thingy, "nak buat dua-dua!" And me with my heck care attitude, I just sat down at a big comfy sofa and read some newspapers. Suddenly I heard the Mcdonalds' advertisement on the TV. Looks delicious though. So I took a peek. This little guy, strugglingly stands up, run cutely towards my wife (you know who) and started asking her, "MAMA, nak Mcdonalds'!" And my wife, whisper to his ear but with a tone that can still be heard by me, "Pergi mintak bapak kau!" Then this little cute guy started running back to the TV room again. Carefully he climb up the sofa and hold my arms which is still holding to the newspaper. Then he sat down beside me and put his head on my shoulder and hold on to my arms. I looked at him and he look up to my face. I glance away and start to read again. He pulled my hand and I turn back at him and asked, "Nak aper?" With his mouth mimicking a sad face and a truly innocent voice which ended with a grin "Papa, nak Mcdonalds'!" And I was like hurrr.. After that I woke up. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry for the suspense. But seriously, this little kid is just so cute!!! This thing really made my day. Anyway, cheers to a happy tomorrow.

I used to joke with you about what if I want a second wife. You said that divorce me and let me go and then you will allow me to marry the lady that I wished to be. But now, isn't it the same situation? Why wouldn't you let me go?

Mengapa engkau bertanya aku soalan sedimikian? Patutlah aku harus menanti kepulanganmu? Should I crawled back to you for this relationship? Who is the one who should fix back this relationship? Who is the one that make this happens? Who is the one who did not fight for the relationship? It is wrong to move on? Mengapa kau masih mencintaiku walaupun engkau telah menduakan ku? Haruskah aku percaya lagi kepada kata-kata manis mu? Tidak kah cukup engkau telah menghancurkan hatiku?

Hanya aku memohon supaya kau terangi lah apa yang telah terjadi di depan mata ku. Jikalau kau memang sayangi aku, sayangi hubungi ini, terangilah apa yang telah terjadi di depan mata ku. Kau hembuslah kata-kata itu depan ku dan kau ambil lah segala kehinaan mu yang telah engkau lekatkan di hatiku. Dari itu, bukalah hati aku untuk menerima kau sekali lagi. Tetapi walau apapun, kau tetap tidak bole berkorban untuk perhubungan kita. Hanya engkau sahaja yang bole menyelamatkan hubungan ini. Telah aku serahkan segalanya kepada ilahi. Semoga kau berjaya dengan apa yang engkau mencari. Terima kasih untuk segala apa yang terjadi. Aku tidak kesal, malah aku akan mula untuk membina kehidupan baru walaupun hati yang terluka ini tidak dapat diperbaiki.

I woke up today morning and had realised that I had very good dream last night. All the question was answered by this guy who appear to be in my dream. He happens to be my bestfriend at that moment and the funny thing i can't recognise his face and I have never seen him before.

He said: Dahlah Syafiq, engkau dah buat apa yang patut. Kau dah buat apa yang terbaik. Tapi apa nak buat. Kalau dia dah tak kesian kat kau, abeh kau nak buat macam mana kan. Kau hanya terima je lah apa yang dah terjadi. Terima segala kenyataan. Kalo dier betul-betul sayang kat kau, mungkin satu hari nanti dia akan menjadi milik kau. Yang penting, jangan kau kesal apa yang telah terjadi. Sebagai manusia, kita tidak bole melawan kehendak takdir. Mungkin ini semua terjadi supaya kau akan menjadi lebih dekat kepada Allah. Kau masih lagi hendak pertolongan dari dia. Jadi, buat lah ini sebagai sesuatu yang bonus. Kehilangan ini memamg berat, tapi kau mesti tahu yang kehilangan ini juga adalah bonus untuk kau kerana dari sini kau mula berasa lemah dan kau dah mula berasa insaf. Tapi tetap, kau mesti teruskan kehidupan kau.

It was a very good advice from that default person. It pull me out of bed and I got no problem facing the mirror and I am looking forward to end today. I hope that this guy would appear in my dream again. Still, there is lots of things that need to be answered. And yeah, I got a hug in my dream by this guy. Up till now I can feel the relief. Hahahahaha. It's weird though. Such dreams are really hard to come.

The funny thing is that for 2 hours I was in the lecture room, nothing goes into my head. I was thinking about her and the happy moments we had. But during the 2nd stage of the lecture, my thoughts just completely went bizzare. I was asking myself why this happens.

This broke up happen because she could not decide either to still be with me or him. I was furiously upset with the answer she gave. Even till now my hands are shivering. My heart beats turns rapid. After 5 years of relationship, she could not decide at that very moment who she wants to be with. And I bet she only knew him for less than 1 year. I was asking what the fuck Syafiq. Screw you Syafiq. You are being owned Syafiq. You are useless Syafiq. Fuck me for saying that to myself. I just don't understand the logic at all. Why would I come all the way up to 5 years to show a love to a lady. A guy came up to her less than a year and steals her away from me. The thing is, isn't it hyprocrite. Or it's just magic. Or it is just a set up. I just can't think. Funny thing is that she still loves me. Yes, she loves me. I repeat again, she loves me. And I, still loves her. But I cannot accept the fact that if she really loves me, why wouldn't she fought for this relationship. Why wouldn't she come to Dubai immediately to ask my hand back for her. Why would she even consider me being her partner? But she still loves me. I don't know what is love anymore. ?Is love is a poison? Is love a potion to fulfil your fantasy? Is love an excuse? I don't know what love is anymore. I am dying to know what love really is.

I dont know what have I done. I don't know till what circumstances has I ever deserve this. All I can think of is ways to make her happy. Ways to apologize if a fight broke up. But the thing is that would I still believe her when she says, she loves me. All this thought are poisoning me. I had no clue what is going to happen next. I have already forgiven her about almost everything, but the things is, what is love? Someone told me love is about sacrifice. Yes, I have sacrifice. She wanted to be with that guy, I'm fine with it. I will sacrifice my relationship. I'm just a loser anyway. But, I still don't know why she stills love me. She would not come to Dubai, she would not listen to me. But why she is still loving me. If she were the one to ask for a broke up, I would already fly off to Melbourne to meet her personally. But, I just can't do that. My instinct has stop me from fighting for this relationship. I used to fight for her but this time, I just turned blank. For a moment I felt like a beggar. For a moment I feel like people are laughing at me and making me look like a joke. I just can't take it anymore. I got no one to listen to. I got no one who knew what my problem is. I get fucked everyday during meetings. My parents only criticise me for being like a girl. I feel like I'm just a maggot waiting to be stepped.

I had never felt this low before. I cannot cry. My heart is painful. My tears refuse to come out. I feel like a 10 years old child being teased by his friends. Is it destined to happen. Why would I even meet her? Why would I even deliver pizza to her place? What is this coincidence all about? Why does my parent and her's knew each other? What is this all about? Oh god, please give me some answers. Maybe it's true. She need the time. 5 years wasn't enough. I think she needs more freedom to think about her future. I think she need someone in her comfort zone. Where else, I'm totally the opposite. I think would be a great idea if I were to leave her alone for time being. I just wished that she would come and meet me tomorrow and gave me a hug like she always do. But again, do I deserve it? Do I deserve her? I'm just a chap, no money, no degree, no assets, no girlfriend. Just a plain boy with a simple life. I think, I had enough of saying for today. I don't what will happen tomorrow and I am not looking forward for tomorrow anymore. Fuck love, fuck everybody who's laughing at me now. Fuck all those sad songs. Fuck me for being me. Argghh!!!

I know we had spent a long quality time together. I know that both of us are stubborn. We both have our own comfort zone. I can't deny that. As how I can't force you to come here, that is how you can't push me to go there. I know that I am the one that end all this. We had our happy time together. If you would like to hate me, then at all cost you can do it. I would only like to ask for forgiveness and I hope you would forgive me this time. I hope your family forgives me. And I hope all your friends and colleagues forgives me. I had already forgiven you. And everyone will forgives you from my side and I can promise you that.

Please do take care. I know my advise will not be appreciated anymore. I am no one to you. So, please look after yourself. I know that you would like to ignore me and go as far away possible. I am just trying to help you so that you can stand up and move on to life. It's ok if you have chose someone over me. The fact is that I did not play a good role as your boyfriend. And someone better came. I will not blame you for this. It is also my fault. I should have given more love, care and concern. I have fail this relationship. You have been a wonderful partner, someone to share happiness with, your smiles just cures everything, you understands my weakness and you would pull me up in every single way to get things done. As much as how I would want this relationship to end in a happier way, now everything just change. I hope this change will make you be a better person and get the dreams and hope you are looking for. I will move on to life, looking on what I did that failed this relationship and hopefully, from the mistakes I've made, I can smoothly sail with the future life I'll be facing.

I have already revised my plans. I hope you would do that in time to come. I would like to say that it was a very honorable moment when your family invites me for iftar and also lunch during Hari Raya. The last cheesecake that you make for me taste good. Your mum make good "kuihs". You have a very lovely family. They are very well loved. Even your cousins are nice to me. I hope that they can forgive me. I'm going to miss them. I am truly sorry if things were not supposed to be. Please put all the blames to me. I am always the bad guy and I deserved this punishment from god.

Lastly, like how you say that I am coping very well, it has never been easier. You can say anything about me but please let me explain. I have lost my appetite, I am getting scolded by my family for not eating, I have lost my focus at work, I cannot take off like how you could, I am going meetings and what I am only thinking is just you. I am only showing and sounding ok but the fact is that in my mind everything is a disaster. Losing you is a disaster. The only thing that I have never plan is for this break up to happen. I am smiling daily just for the sake of smiling. Do you know how difficult it is not to cry? I can't cry. I have this pain in my heart to let go but I just can't cry. I have no shoulder to lean on. I just hope that one day, everything will go away except for one thing. The only one thing I know will not go away is, how I have loved you and have always been loving you.

Your truly,
m. syafiq

Fahamilah aku,
apa yang ku lakukan demi kesungguhan,
cinta ku padamu,
yang masih menyala.

Namun kau rasa tertekan,
hingga terjetusnya perbalahan.

Ku harap retak ini tidak akan berkecai.
Marilah kita patrikan semula seperti asalnya.
Keegoan ini, bersama kita kuburkan.
Janganlah biar malam ku kesiangan.

If you go to the florist and ask for a flower, you will be confuse as which flower will you pick. Every flower has its own advantage and disadvantage. And once you have bought the flowers, it is now your responsibility how you would treasure the flower. Would you just throw them inside the vase and leave them there drying the whole week or would you wash them first and carefully arrange them nicely and make them look as appreciative as they are.

The sad thing is that no matter how hard you try to feed them with water, at the end of the week they will surely be dried up. It is a sad thing that another beautiful thing is gone from this world.